It's a constant remembering

 

I suppose it really would be helpful to have some clever tattoo as a reminder on my palm so when I pick up some brush, paint, or pen, I know. For me its about the process leading the way. 

And when I try to 

MAKE SOMETHING, or

MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN,

there is some kind of wall. I sense it as a feeling, it feels a bit like dread, like a chore, like walking into strong winds, or lifting heavy loads up a ridiculously steep mountain. I'm not saying that everything needs to be easy but I also don't think I need to experience struggling in my art making.

I prefer to experience the wonder, the mystery of NOT KNOWING where i'm going and discover what I'm making as I go. I prefer to trust that the process will unfold to tell me WHAT this SOMETHING wants to be.

Today in my studio, I banged against that feeling wall over and over again. Insisting my time be spent making a PICTURE BOOK. I've been working for years exploring this format, and truly enjoy it. 

But as I worked today a bit stubbornly I felt this idea of WHAT i want to make slip away.

It wasn't going to happen, not today, not this way I was approaching it.

With 10 minutes left in my studio, i gave into the urge I had been feeling from the morning,

the need to play with materials FIRST. For the collage, drawing, color texture adding 

reveal a story, image to me. 

I know I'm on my heart track when I don't want it to end.

I know I will forget this again. But I also know tattoo or not, I will remember my way.